Shooting for the Moon and Landing in Houston?

I just clicked a button on a web page. The button said “submit all forms.” I had there my resume, my medical history, my supplemental medical history, my aeronautical experience and nine references. I sat with my finger on the mouse for a few minutes. My heart thumped and tears grew heavy in my eyes. I clicked. With that click I submitted my application to NASA’s Astronaut Candidate Program, the place where all astronauts become astronauts.

With that one click, however, I did vastly more than merely apply for a job. With that one mouse click I, for the first time in my life, followed a dream. I followed my dream. Of course, to follow a dream, one must first have a dream. I’ve never allowed myself to dream until now. Never before could I see through the thick and noxious smog of shame surrounding me. Even as I prepared and submitted my application to NASA, the voices were loud in my head. “You can’t do this.” “Who do you think you are?” “They will never accept you; you are too fucked up.” “This is stupid.” Cursing my history, I clicked anyway. Yes, I meet and exceed all the academic and physical requirements, but the odds are certainly against me. They don’t hire many for these jobs, but I clicked that fucking button anyway.

I almost didn’t. The deadline is tomorrow, but I have known about it for a year. You cannot imagine how many times I said: “Fuck it, this is stupid.” One thing helped, though. It is a small handwritten note that my flight instructor, Kathy Samuelson, slipped into the pages of a book that I had lent her. It reads: “Keep your astronaut dream going, Josh! -Kathy” Little did she know that she is the only person in my life who has ever told me such a thing. And it helped. For a while it was on my refrigerator. It got moved somehow in a cleaning episode (yes, really) to my office where it rests behind the frame of a picture of me running in my first half marathon. Yes, it helped.

I am proud, and I vow to continue the struggle. Fine traits for an astronaut, no?